It's been way too long since I last posted on this blog, so I wanted to share an update as I think about my future.
So how have things been? Well I don't know whether the job change played a part or not, but I've had my anxiety under control for some years now. Of course I still have now struggles, but I've learned to recognise these as part of the condition, and decide whether or not to tackle them when they occur.
On the negative side, I continue to sit in my flat at the weekend a lot. I'm not unable to go outside, I just prefer not to. That's something I want to sort in the new year!
Importantly though, I feel a lot happier in myself. Understanding my condition means I no longer beat myself up for failing to attend events etc.., and this has meant that I'm more open to them. Speaking of which, I've avoided two events this week just gone, but have decided to go to the office Christmas party next week. Lots aren't going, so I could easily so no, but it's a curry night, and I like a curry... so I'm actually looking forward to it... that's new!
I've also been back out to a club weirdly... not that it was very comfortable... my brother got married, and asked me to be his Best Man (that definitely caused some alarm bells!). Luckily, my brother didn't want anything too lively, so I was able to challenge myself, and challenge him as a result! We had a great stag-do, clay pigeon shooting and quad riding amongst others. As the organiser, I knew the plan, which I know can really calm my nerves, so I actually really enjoyed it... chatting with the others was the anxiety challenge, but I made myself busy as the organiser, and I hope passed the normality pass OK :)
The evening was a bigger challenge, with the mandatory unplanned elements, discussions of strip clubs etc.. to scare me witless. I just played the role of the stag protector saying I'd go along with whatever he was comfortable with... not overly traditional, but he had been clear he didn't want the traditional dodginess, which made this a good role to balance both our concerns!
We toured some pubs before trying a young club out... needless to say, I wasn't excited by this, and was shocked when the bouncer let us in, though he probably recognised our type... we headed in both I pointed out that we were all at least 20 years older than anyone else there... we left within 5 minutes with tails between legs... even the rowdy ones admitted defeat on that one!
We found a "club" designed for our age... I stood in a dark room, lights flashing, other people pressed up against me, with thumping classic club music playing... weird I thought that this didn't seem too uncomfortable... I think I've learnt the art of accepting the experience when I don't have to do too much myself!
There was a distinct lack of dancing on my part, and much as I tried, I couldn't bring myself to experience that. To an outsider I probably looked like a very weedy bodyguard... in reality I was just a suitably uncomfortable adult, trying to reassure myself that this was an interesting situation to experience, and to avoid any calls in my head to make excuses and leave.
I avoided alcohol, bar a very few exceptions... something that I think becomes easier with age (or is that just a modern thing?)... stating upfront that I was virtually a teetotal removed too much pressure from others.
After a suitable night of entertainment on their part, and a little more than presence by myself, we agreed to call it a night. I was informed that a McDonalds was a mandatory stop on the way... once again my mind screamed "oh for heavens sake... really?!", but I calmly went along with it... McDonalds is somewhere I'd avoid in the daytime, let along the early hours when the staff were guarded by security, as a queue of drunk customers queued, argued and filled themselves with whatever this placed served.
We ordered, we queued, one of our party decided to cause some chaos... I bit my tongue hard, was relieved we weren't ejected, apologised to the security guard, and went to sit with our food. Our more merry party goer started a bit of a food fight (not a good idea)... somehow the security guard broke things up but didn't eject us... and we then finished our food off.
I walked home with my brother, chuffed that I'd been able to be there throughout, and that he had been able to enjoy himself. He knows my situation, so seemed pretty happy I'd stayed with him throughout the evening.
I won't go into the details of the big day, but I can confirm I did a speech, it went down well enough, and a good time was had by all.
So if you were wondering why I feel happier in myself, that is it in an event really... I've learned to understand my Social Anxiety Disorder enough to control the urge to run at times, to take part in events when I really want to. It's not the same as throwing yourself into it, and maybe I can get to that stage over time, but either way, I'm no longer missing from these occasions. Being part of it means a lot to me in itself, and prevents the natural low that used to come with feeling I'd let myself and others down by not taking part.
And to end on a bombshell, I've decided it's time to challenge myself again, so will be leaving my job early next year... I'll let you know what I decide to do, and whether it works out. I'm learning what is important to me, so I'm really hoping this next stage will be a positive shift.
Until next time, look after yourself, and come to terms with your condition. Experiment if you can with situations you've previously been uncomfortable in. If you do it in a way where there's no pressure on you to continue or not, it makes it easier, and the feeling of achievement is a massive high!
Take care...
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