Well last week was the week of the office party/get together. I usually manage to have some kind of excuse, or turn up for a brief moment, then disappear to the comfort of my own home. But this one would be different, I knew what I was playing with here (my phobia), and my manager did too.
My manager doesn't really understand my anxiety, but I've shared some details, and he's been very supportive. He never asks me directly about it, but he will hint towards it, in a very politically correct way... not that he has to with me at all!
A week or so before the event, one of the other managers (and only other person with an hours trip to home to make) commented that she was going to book into a hotel so she could let her hair down, and suggested I do the same. Just the thought paniced me... the expectation.
Well I managed to put it off sorting it in my head until the day before the actual event. I thought to myself, I soon take over this team (yes really, I manage to lead quite a double life, confident in my work persona), and must make an effort to bond with the team... I also need to fight my phobia, hiding at home only means it has won again. I've felt the feeling of losing to the phobia before, and it does NOT feel good.
So I plotted 3 scenarios:
1. Have the guts -I packed for the night. Evening wear, overnight stuff, and clean kit for the next working day. No hotel booked... we'd see.
2. Dip in and out - I know I can make my excuses and leave early, and drive home. This was the likely reality.
3. Wimp out - I know I can make my excuses and not even go along.
Plan in hand, I headed to work. The day turned out to be a nightmare. I had to get in early, and have a very stressful work day. This wasn't fun, and the time flew by. Soon, I was getting abuse over instant messenger about coming out (I had had to go to a different site to all my colleagues, due to the issues I was managing that day).
I planted seeds of doubt with them, testing the ground with them, and myself, about my tired state, and maybe I wouldn't make it. After playing a bit, and getting a good response (very much, they love me to be there, but appreciate if the day has taken its toll), I could see the direction this was taking... I've been here before, this is the path to failure.
I made up my mind, I found a local hotel and booked it to for the night. There, sorted. I packed up, and went to the hotel, changed and thought about things... this wasn't too bad yet.
I asked the hotel to order me a taxi. This did cause a slight panic, as I had not planned this far... I had nowhere near enough cash. Oh well, make do.
The taxi dropped me off at a cashpoint, and I tipped her despite the high fee, I needed to enjoy tonight, that meant everyone around me being happy too!
Arriving at the restaurant, just one of my colleagues was there... a chance for a quiet pint, and to welcome others as they made it.
Overall, the restaurant went really well, there were a few games, and these unplanned elements rose my anxiety, but I held it under control... and really enjoyed myself to be fair. It was definitely my personal persona, and not my confident work one there... but hey, I made it, and I was getting involved!
Showing off
As the restaurant party drew to a close focus went on the next location. Most would leave, but a core of 3 people wanted to go clubbing, but would start with a pub.
I had a hotel, and I was now in a safe place to test my anxiety... what the hell... I went with the pub party.
The pub turned out to be a proper student place... sticky surfaces, loud music, and dodgy artwork...I actually quite liked it. This was the type of place I went to when at Uni... I could do this.
Another pub came and went, this time, I was on soft drinks... I don't drink more than 1 pint at the best of times, I was now upto 3, and I wanted to retain control. Nobody minded, they were loving the fact that I was there, unaware of my anxiety, but aware this was well outside my comfort zone.
Next came the scary bit.... I followed the party into a cab, and we arrived at a basement club. I mean a real basement club. This was a big test... and whether alcohol was playing a part or not, I was up for it (ok, it took a bit of thought, and mind games).
We entered the club, got our hands stamped, got some drinks, and stood like a bunch of awkward people in one of the rooms... let's face facts, I was the youngest there, and I'm 30. The club was full of much younger people, and we were the granddad/grandmas in the corner!
The music was good actually, though only 2 of us seemed to appreciate it... I have wide musical tastes... it was very modern definitely, and it helped me that those around me where now awkward themselves.
We probably only managed 30 minutes or so in the club.... but we rounded it off with a shot each of something horrible (me included), and with that, we all headed home. I headed back to my hotel, and arrived at 2:30am, to lay on the bed and think about what I had achieved. There is no way I could ever see myself achieving that in the past.
The key was that my manager was there, so I had 1 person who knew to look out for me, and I knew he would defend me if I ever said I was uncomfortable and was going to leave. That settled me nerves. Beyond that, the key difference was me was knowing that I suffer with, therefore spotting the signs each time I went to walk away, such that I could rationally evaluate the situation, and challenge myself appropriately. The hotel being local meant "home" was very close, if I choose to escape.
I'm really impressed with what I achieved on this night. I know I was awkward in all these locations, so I definitely wasn't just heading out with the team... I was a bit of a spectator, but hey, I'd have placed a lot of money that I'd never go into a student pub again, due to my anxiety, let alone a basement club. Knowledge is power, is working out your safety nets it seems really opens up the ability to challenge yourself. Now if I could only do it without looking like a petrified spectator, I'd be cured!
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