Update on my Social Anxiety

Well as usual I have to apologise for a long period without writing anything. I've always been keen to keep this blog updated to hopefully help others in my position, as I know from my own experience that anxiety itself can make it difficult to speak to others about it.

So where am I at? I'm not sure whether Covid has been a good thing for me or not to be honest. It's given me an excuse to stay indoors more, stay isolated, and to wear a mask when outside so I don't feel I'm on-show. That said, you could argue that's it levelled the playing field. I moved into a new job just over a year ago (during the peak of Covid) so nobody expected to see me in the office, and they've got used to contact being by remote technologies. My anxiety therefore hasn't been obvious to them.

We're being encouraged into the office 3 days a week now, and I find that a little odd. I'm only at 1 day so far, and that's usually Friday, as it's the quietest day there. We're not wearing masks, but we're keeping distance, and I like that. I'd love to know how others with anxiety are finding it.

It's in the family

Recently my brother started to behave unusually and I started to recognise the signs for myself of anxiety. It took him a while to open up about it, and if I'm honest, I don't think he helped himself by trying to keep it under-wraps when it was impacting him so badly that it was too obvious to hide. That must have felt bad.

That said, it's been good for me, as it gave me a reason to share my anxiety with my family. I live far enough away that they've never needed to know about my seeking medical advice etc.. My parents were particularly concerned (and remain so) in my brother, and the ability for me to say "I suffer with a bit of that too" was a great way to get it out in the open for myself, as well as supporting them through this.

My brother is taking a different path than me, trying hypnosis as well as drugs to reduce the effects. It's nice to be able to talk openly to one another however about your anxiety, and I'd really encourage anyone reading this with anxiety to find someone they can confide in. For me it was my manager of the time, but family is definitely good, and really anyone else around you at the time of anxiety increases. It just means you don't have to worry about their reaction if you get anxious, as well as giving you people to discuss your frustrations with.

I didn't realise when they were there, but my cats have been a big part of my support through their lives. I lost them both over the last year, and they've left a huge gap in my life. As very vocal and loving cats, I felt able to talk to them and they were always there to comfort me in tough times. Losing them has been incredibly tough, and I'm not sure how it is going to affect my confidence etc.

So where next?

Well I've now turned 40, and life isn't looking like it's going to give me a break on the anxiety front. I think I've found a good balance for me, and I've built enough people around me with knowledge of it, that I have a support network if I need it, and more importantly, a group of people who are never going to pressure me, as they know about my social anxiety/phobia.

I think my big challenge is to get into a relationship. At the age of 40, I really need to get on with that, but that's an area for me to work on.

Beyond that, I think I'm relatively happy. A house move has been on the cards for years, and while my cats were around I was genuinely looking. Covid held me back from a move, but I started looking again recently and realise how much confidence they gave me. I'm not sure how easy a move will be, but I certainly want to find suitable properties and to test my brain on how anxious a new area, new neighbours etc.. would make me. I can't stay in this place forever, and I wonder if a house with a garden would encourage me outside more, and increase social interactions, which less face facts is what my anxiety is all about!

If you suffer with social anxiety/social phobia and are reading this looking for a way forward, please read my older posts, and see the journey I've been on. For me I'd say the biggest improvement has come from recognising the triggers of my social anxiety, so I can predict them and decide how I can reduce the impact of the situation. I generally do more research into a situation that will cause me anxiety (usually a social event), this enables me to confront my fears early so they don't impact me too badly on the day. Confide in someone you can trust about this, and don't beat yourself up over anything related to your anxiety/phobia. Stay happy, and look after yourself, as ultimately that's what matters most!

Take care and stay safe everyone!

Phimosis (tight foreskin) - Diary of stretching with hydrocortisone cream results

For those used to this blog covering the subject of my Social Anxiety, this post title about phimosis (basically an overly tight foreskin) may come as a surprise. Well it did to me too.

I was reading some articles online recently, when I came rather randomly on a story on a man who hadn't had sex due to the pain he associated with it.

Whilst I've always blamed my Social Anxiety for my lack of sex, this article resonated with me, and I read on. Yes, I've always been concerned that sex would be painful, and this article made me realise, my foreskin maybe the reason for this assumption of mine.

The article helpfully pointed out that a mans foreskin should comfortably (without pain) be able to stretch over the head of the penis, when erect as well as well flacid. Oh bugger, mine doesn't do that!

Seeing a Doctor about my phimosis

Long story short, I wasn't comfortable going to a Doctor for this alone, but wanted to sort this out, as it could be another part of the puzzle in getting me confident about a relationship.

I had to go to the Doctor for another matter, so tagged this on the end... "oh, if you've just got a couple more minutes...". He obliged, confirmed this may not be something we needed to deal with, but suggested getting circumcised.

I'd already read enough online to know this was a common challenge, but that steroid creams exist that *may* be able to help. I pointed this out and he did some quick research before prescribing me Hydrocortisone cream.

OK, so I know many say this cream does nothing, but I'm going to diarise how I get on here.

For anyone wanting try this cream by the way, it doesn't need a prescription in the UK, and appears to be cheaper to buy without one too!

First impressions

Well I'm not ready to upload any photos of down below yet, though I did take a couple at the start to compare with.

I'm lucky enough that my foreskin will, with a bit of effort, stretch without pain over the head of my penis when flacid. I've therefore been "exercising" the skin by applying the cream, and stretching by getting a slight erection. I'm sure this isn't recommended as you don't have the control your fingers give, but I feel it's a more even way to stretch, and I was struggling to get my fingers in a holding a stretch.

After a couple of days of stretching with the cream now, I think I'm stretching more than I was initially. How much of this is the cream, versus what would happen without it, I have no idea. At a cost of £9 for the prescription though (around $12), I'm not going to worry about it!

I'll look to post here over the next few weeks, as I'm led to believe by others that I should see results in that time. My only challenge is finding the time. I'm likely to do more stretching at the weekend (30 minutes in the morning so far). Week days however maybe a rare stretch. Let's see how I get on!

2 months later

Well I'd love to say that I've stuck at it, but I gave up on the cream after a couple of weeks as I wasn't confident it was helping.

I'm lucky enough that I could pull my foreskin back when flacid, so that's exactly what I've been doing each day in the shower, and then leaving it like that while I finish my shower, shave, clean my teeth and get dressed. I then put myself back to normal before leaving the house in the morning.

Whilst I don't believe this has resolved things completely, I'm confident things are better, and there's no longer a white stretch line on my foreskin when pulled back .. so this approach has definitely been successful for me! Unfortunately the lack of white stretched skin line probably means I'm not getting any further benefit from this approach (the skin has to be stretched well to encourage the skin to expland, so I need to find a way of continuing the stretching further as it still does pull back when I'm erect. I'll update on that when I have a chance to find what works or doesn't!

If you can pull back without serious discomfort, I think this approach is a great first step. The jury's out on whether it can resolve things completely, but I've definitely seen significant improvement, even if its not where I need it yet... so I'm happy to say this is certainly helping reduce the issue for me... exciting times!

What it's like living with Social Anxiety

Diagnosed with Social Anxiety (a.k.a. Social Phobia) over five years ago now, I promised I'd keep posting, to spread awareness of this condition, and to give confidence to those suffering with Social Anxiety, that a happy life is possible, even if it is a little different! 😜

Since my last post, I've moved jobs again! I spent five years at the last place, and reached a senior management position, which was great. Nobody other than HR knew of my condition, and I hid behind the slightly awkward nature of many in IT, such that I didn't stand out.

After five years there, I realised I was focusing completely on work, and not having a personal life. This is common as I understand it with Social Anxiety sufferers, we lose ourselves in something we enjoy, to prevent us having to do the things we don't enjoy! But having no personal life isn't healthy, and I do want to settle down with a partner at some point.

If you're a follower of my blog, you'll know that I like to screw with my brain at times, by putting myself outside my comfort zone. In reality, I believe this is key to coping with Social Anxiety... challenging yourself. Not far, but slightly outside your comfort zone.

So I resigned, and put myself on the IT Contractor market. The Contractor market means potentially lots of change, interviews and new people. In reality however, I know contractors often stay in the same place for months if not years. So my plan was simple: use the flexibility of contracting, to take time off during the year, by placing it between roles. This would give me time to have a bit of a life, at least.

When it comes to interviews, I did one on the phone which was unsuccessful, and one in-person. I've found my tactic for calming my nerves for interviews... convince yourself you don't need the job.

It may sound odd, but everyone tells me to "just be yourself". In reality, everyone says this, but it feels impossible to do. My tactic does just that though... I went in relaxed, but chatty. We discussed their issues, and I explained how I'd seen it all before... nattered about previous situations I'd been in, and completely won them over!

I find it so amusing that someone with Social Anxiety (that would be me), can come across so much more relaxed and approachable than someone without the condition. I feel it's important to see what positives your condition can give you. For me, my understanding of my Social Anxiety gives me a better awareness of how I tick, and what makes me anxious than someone without the condition. Playing to this strength, I feel I'm progressing in life, which makes me happy.

In the end, it took me 6 weeks to find the right role, but I found it, and have been in post for 3 weeks now, in the 3 month contract. They've already asked if I would convert to permanent. I said "no", as I don't want to give up on the experiment, but I have agreed to an extension to 12 months, which is a long time as a contractor.

The downside is of course that I've not got a gap in that time, but we'll see how it goes. I feel positive that the environment I'm in is lower pressure and higher support than I've had before.

So am I over my Social Anxiety? No. That's never going to happen, but I have it under control. I have skin issues at the moment, and I'm aware what that can do for my anxiety, so just practice calming myself where appropriate, to minimise its impact on my life.

And as I'm using this blog as a bit of a diary... what are my next goals? Well I continue to feel I'm missing out by being close to 40 now, and still not having a relationship to talk of. My dream is to win the Euromillions jackpot (if I'm honest), and move out into the country, living with a positive lady who makes me smile, and loves the quirky person that I've become!

I realise I speak positively on this blog, as I believe in being positive in life, and I'm generally a happy person. I want to be honest though that Social Anxiety is an ongoing challenge for me. It still makes me uncomfortable to leave the house, particularly at weekends when I don't strictly have to. For anyone looking for advice, I'd say it's key to manage your condition: challenge yourself a little (to minimise the areas of your life it heavily impacts), and celebrate by congratulating yourself on success however minor.

Until next time... take care and enjoy yourself!

Social Anxiety as a Best Man... stag-do discomfort

It's been way too long since I last posted on this blog, so I wanted to share an update as I think about my future.

So how have things been? Well I don't know whether the job change played a part or not, but I've had my anxiety under control for some years now. Of course I still have now struggles, but I've learned to recognise these as part of the condition, and decide whether or not to tackle them when they occur.

On the negative side, I continue to sit in my flat at the weekend a lot. I'm not unable to go outside, I just prefer not to. That's something I want to sort in the new year!

Importantly though, I feel a lot happier in myself. Understanding my condition means I no longer beat myself up for failing to attend events etc.., and this has meant that I'm more open to them. Speaking of which, I've avoided two events this week just gone, but have decided to go to the office Christmas party next week. Lots aren't going, so I could easily so no, but it's a curry night, and I like a curry... so I'm actually looking forward to it... that's new!

I've also been back out to a club weirdly... not that it was very comfortable... my brother got married, and asked me to be his Best Man (that definitely caused some alarm bells!). Luckily, my brother didn't want anything too lively, so I was able to challenge myself, and challenge him as a result! We had a great stag-do, clay pigeon shooting and quad riding amongst others. As the organiser, I knew the plan, which I know can really calm my nerves, so I actually really enjoyed it... chatting with the others was the anxiety challenge, but I made myself busy as the organiser, and I hope passed the normality pass OK :)

The evening was a bigger challenge, with the mandatory unplanned elements, discussions of strip clubs etc.. to scare me witless. I just played the role of the stag protector saying I'd go along with whatever he was comfortable with... not overly traditional, but he had been clear he didn't want the traditional dodginess, which made this a good role to balance both our concerns!

We toured some pubs before trying a young club out... needless to say, I wasn't excited by this, and was shocked when the bouncer let us in, though he probably recognised our type... we headed in both I pointed out that we were all at least 20 years older than anyone else there... we left within 5 minutes with tails between legs... even the rowdy ones admitted defeat on that one!

We found a "club" designed for our age... I stood in a dark room, lights flashing, other people pressed up against me, with thumping classic club music playing... weird I thought that this didn't seem too uncomfortable... I think I've learnt the art of accepting the experience when I don't have to do too much myself!

There was a distinct lack of dancing on my part, and much as I tried, I couldn't bring myself to experience that. To an outsider I probably looked like a very weedy bodyguard... in reality I was just a suitably uncomfortable adult, trying to reassure myself that this was an interesting situation to experience, and to avoid any calls in my head to make excuses and leave.

I avoided alcohol, bar a very few exceptions... something that I think becomes easier with age (or is that just a modern thing?)... stating upfront that I was virtually a teetotal removed too much pressure from others.

After a suitable night of entertainment on their part, and a little more than presence by myself, we agreed to call it a night. I was informed that a McDonalds was a mandatory stop on the way... once again my mind screamed "oh for heavens sake... really?!", but I calmly went along with it... McDonalds is somewhere I'd avoid in the daytime, let along the early hours when the staff were guarded by security, as a queue of drunk customers queued, argued and filled themselves with whatever this placed served.

We ordered, we queued, one of our party decided to cause some chaos... I bit my tongue hard, was relieved we weren't ejected, apologised to the security guard, and went to sit with our food. Our more merry party goer started a bit of a food fight (not a good idea)... somehow the security guard broke things up but didn't eject us... and we then finished our food off.

I walked home with my brother, chuffed that I'd been able to be there throughout, and that he had been able to enjoy himself. He knows my situation, so seemed pretty happy I'd stayed with him throughout the evening.

I won't go into the details of the big day, but I can confirm I did a speech, it went down well enough, and a good time was had by all.

So if you were wondering why I feel happier in myself, that is it in an event really... I've learned to understand my Social Anxiety Disorder enough to control the urge to run at times, to take part in events when I really want to. It's not the same as throwing yourself into it, and maybe I can get to that stage over time, but either way, I'm no longer missing from these occasions. Being part of it means a lot to me in itself, and prevents the natural low that used to come with feeling I'd let myself and others down by not taking part.

And to end on a bombshell, I've decided it's time to challenge myself again, so will be leaving my job early next year... I'll let you know what I decide to do, and whether it works out. I'm learning what is important to me, so I'm really hoping this next stage will be a positive shift.

Until next time, look after yourself, and come to terms with your condition. Experiment if you can with situations you've previously been uncomfortable in. If you do it in a way where there's no pressure on you to continue or not, it makes it easier, and the feeling of achievement is a massive high!

Take care...